I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
