He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
