I wish I could teleport
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
