don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
