Your dad touched me again.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
