I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
