I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
