I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
