I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
