God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I met the friendliest cop last night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
