don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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