I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
