There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
