you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
