Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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