My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
