She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I currently don't understand fingers.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
