My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
bring money and cleavage
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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