there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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