It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
