I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
