he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
