you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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