last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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