So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
