Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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