I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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