So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
