he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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