I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
