Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
