Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
