Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
