i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just threw up on my dentist
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
