i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
