good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
