After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
