The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
