Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
