we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
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With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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