I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
