So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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