My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
