would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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