Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i believe in u and ur pee
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
