Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
