some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
