But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
