Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
