Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
