I think I won the penis lottery.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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