He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
