walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
