I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
