Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
