that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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