Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
How external is "for external use only"?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
