With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
