remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
