hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
FUCK WHALES
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
