dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
